Pacifier

Pacify: to bring peace by ending war, fighting, violence, anger or agitation; to appease.

She’s a good baby.  She rarely fusses, is easily consoled, and sleeps really well.  As parents, we really couldn’t ask for much more.  If she begins to get upset, then we simply place that oddly shaped rubber thingy close to her mouth and wait for her to feel it, at which point she will thrash her head a bit before bringing it into her mouth and sucking on it.  Instantly she is calm, soothed, and mostly quiet except for the guttural sounds of intense sucking.  Sometimes the object doesn’t work because her stomach is empty or her diaper is dirty or her digestive system has gas in it, and those can’t be fixed by this object.  So we’ll feed her or change her diaper or burp her.  This is more of a long term fix, but in just a couple of hours she will need us to do the same thing.  It is never permanent.

When I see her flailing about in a fit of discomfort or irritability, I am reminded that I am not so different.  I often react the same way when my needs are not being met and I am often soothed by things that are only short term fixes.  They will only do for a short time and after that time has passed I am once again in need.  Sometimes the fixes are good things: loved ones, food, rest, ministry; sometimes the fixes are darker.  Either way, these things were never intended to bring peace and when I try to make them into pacifiers then I am quickly left wanting more and sometimes become resentful of these things because they did not appease my soul longer.

There’s a story in the Gospel of John of a person who had been using pacifiers to fill needs in her life.  Her pacifier of choice was men.  Much like the pacifier I use with my daughter, each man in her life had only been a temporary fix that never really filled the deep longing in her soul.  When she met Jesus she was working to fill her most basic physical need.  He told her that he could fill her deepest need in a way that would always last.  She wouldn’t have to depend on anything or anyone else.

I have never really personalized that story or related to this woman (she’s a 1^st century Samaritan woman who has had multiple spouses and sleeps around…not much in common), but as I thought about it I realized that she represents everyone.  This need to have ultimate peace in our souls seems to be a trait shared by all of us.  It doesn’t really matter how we go about failing to fill it, there is ultimately only one solution for it and he said he would give her water and that she would “never thirst”.

That sounds so nice.  “Never” thirsting again.  Content.  At peace.  Pacified.  But oh how often I settle for the temporary fixes because they give the illusion of me still being in control of them, when, in fact, they control me.  After all, we will inevitably be controlled by what we take rest and comfort in.  This is true if you’re an infant or the infant’s father.

Randomocity

I think I may have adult onset ADD because I can’t seem to think about anything long enough to warrant a whole post, so here go the miscellaneous thoughts:

• Our daughter, Abigail Susannah Rampey, was born May 22nd at 6:03 PM.  She weighed 9 lbs. 1 oz. and was 20 inches long (I think the nurse got this wrong.)  She is absolutely beautiful and has been a great baby.  She looks just like her Mom (fortunately) and you can see pictures on my Facebook page.  She took my breath away from the moment she was born and she still does every time I see her.
• Life with 2 kids is proving to be an adjustment.  Will has been great, but I’m beginning to see that the stress of the adjustment is weighing on him also.
• I’ve been a bit of a customer service snob of late.  In the past few weeks I’ve gone on 3 different company websites to inform them of their store’s subpar service.  If you think about it, this is a service to them because they’re getting specific customer feedback that they don’t even have to pay for.  I’m doing them a service.
• Some people are ready, aim, fire people.  Others are ready, fire, aim.  I’m more of a  ready, aim, aim, aim, aim, aim, aim, aim…..
• I have pretty much no desire to be a pastor or go on staff at a church.  I’m not bitter or anything, I just don’t think the things that are in our hearts can really be done by being in that kind of position, which makes me wonder if we should change or the established church should change.
• I’m so thankful for the people that have really helped us out over the last few days.  Michelle’s parents came down from Charlotte as soon as they found out Michelle was having contractions and kept Will.  Her mom stayed until today which allowed me to work yesterday and today.  Some people from our church have brought some delicious meals.  My mom is coming tomorrow morning to be with Will so that both Michelle and I can go to Abigail’s first doctor’s visit.
• While I’m thankful I have a job, I’ve needed something else for a while.  It’s been a bit discouraging of late because I’m not even getting call backs for some jobs that I think I’m more than qualified for.  So here’s the dilemma: If I’m Arminian then it’s just a tough job market right now.  If I’m Reformed then God just didn’t want me to have those jobs.  Perhaps it’s a both/and instead of an either/or.
• I’m thinking this Lebron James kid might turn out to be a decent player.
• Does anybody else struggle with not having the desire to spend time in God’s presence?  I swear if there was a procedure to implant that into me I would be first in line.  Not trying to make light of it, it’s just always been a struggle and it bothers me. 

Randomness

I’ve been thinking about a few things lately, but don’t feel like I have a good enough handle on them to make a post out of them so I’m just putting some random things up today.

• Will’s with my parents for an overnight stay and it’s quiet this morning.  Michelle’s getting things done off a to-do list (I’m pretty sure that’s therapeutic for her) and I’m doing nothing (I’m absolutely positive that’s therapeutic for me).
• I’m excited and a little nervous for vacation that starts in 5 days.  I’ll sum it up like this: 10 adults, 8 kids (6 age 3 1/2 and under), 2 condos with small living areas, a disproportionate number of type A personalities…..one survivor.  OK, I made that last one up, but if you got a movie trailer voice over reading my previous sentence and some select footage it would be pretty intense.  Nevertheless, I’m really looking forward to it.  I love my family and it’s always great for us to be all together.
• I think the idea of just planting a church is a really small one and I don’t think it’s God-sized.  I’d rather hear about people having a vision for an entire geography or segment of society.  I think we have to start with that end in mind and reverse engineer from there.  That makes way more sense than starting another church.
• I think I’m in denial about how much parenting  two kids will be different than just parenting one.  I’d welcome any advice from those with experience.
• I think it’s hilarious how we even came up with a politically correct term for the swine flu.  After all, pigs are incredibly sensitive and were being offended.  There was even some talk of some legislation being formed to include violent acts against pigs as hate crimes.  Then legislators remembered how good bacon is and it was quickly squashed.  MMMM….bacon.
• I think some wounds never completely heal.
• On that note, I still have a bruise from where I got shot with a paintball from 15 feet away.  It happened over a month ago.  What’s funny is that if  someone asked me to go play right now, I’d go.
• I’ve been on Facebook a lot recently.  I’m totally intrigued by people’s status updates.  Some are profound.  Some are informational.  Some are intentionally funny.  Some are unintentionally funny.  If you’re my friend on Facebook and you’re reading this, keep posting, because I like reading your stuff.  I’ll just leave it up to you to figure out which category yours fits in.
• While we’re on facebook status updates, I find it really interesting that I see a lot of people really excited about “going to church”.  I think it’s great that people are excited about worshipping with other people, but I’m finding that excitement not in proportion to doing other things like: going to work, cooking food, and other everyday things.  I thought all of life was worship.  I’m realizing more and more that we’ve practically separated the sacred from the secular in almost every area of life and nowhere is this more evident than our attitudes about “going to church”.  Hey, I’ve got another post idea!   

Now that I’ve probably offended many of my Facebook friends, I think I’ll quit.

Date Night

Michelle and I went out last night on an oft-delayed date.  Our favorite place to go when it’s just the two of us is downtown Greenville.  In the past few years a huge overhaul of this area has taken place and the result is really remarkable as evidenced by the throngs of people there last night. 

We weren’t really hungry so we just decided to do a little bit of walking.  It didn’t take long until my 35 weeks pregnant wife had had enough of that.  We found a nice bench in Falls Park where there weren’t a ton of people and just sat.  After a few minutes on that not so comfortable bench we were able to grab a bench swing.  We just sat and talked and watched people.  It was really nice.

After a while, an obviously out of place man came staggering along the path.  When I say “out of place” it was because he was a stark contrast to the mostly white, well put together, WASPy looking folks out that night.  He asked if he could speak to us and I said, “Yes.”  His mostly incoherent speech was not making much sense to me until he put out his hand and showed us a few coins.  He wanted money.  He said he wanted some food, but seeing that the direction he was walking was away from all the food vendors and away from the crowds, I was pretty skeptical that food was at the forefront of his mind.  I told him I didn’t have any cash (I was telling the truth) and he quickly walked away to the nearest trash reciptical and begin searching through it. 

At the same time that this was happening two young ladies that had been sitting in the grass not too far from us stood and began to express their romantic affections for each other.  It wasn’t over the top or anything like that, but it’s not something you see all the time in a community like Greenville. 

At that point, a weight came and pressed on my soul.  The weight had an inaudible voice that said, “Take a good look at this: this young couple and this man who is pilfering through other people’s trash.  Don’t ignore it.  Don’t turn away.  Take it in.  Don’t pretend like it isn’t happening right in front of your face.”  And then the weight got heavier.  It said, “You live here.  This is your city.  What are you going to do about it?”

The “what are you going to do about it?” is what will stay with me for a while.  Not in the sense of  a indignant “how dare these people live like this?  Why don’t you stop them?”, but rather an empathetic “These people are living in either defiance or ignorance of the Gospel and what am I going to do to connect them to it?”

You see, I know what it’s like to live in defiance and ignorance of the Gospel.  Every time I take pride in my good behavior, every time I retreat from God’s presence because of my bad behavior, every time I get angry for people not living up to my standards I am defying the Gospel. 

If I was the kind of person who cried easily, then it would have been rather awkward because I was fighting with everything I had not to.  Instead I just sat in silence while the couple lingered and the man continued to ask for some money from others, with some success.  Even after a good night of rest, some eggs and a french-press coffee (my barista skills still coming in handy), I can’t shake the images or the voice.

This is my city.  What am I going to do about it?

If I’m honest with myself, I already know the answer….and it scares the crap out of me.

Return of the Idol

I took a spring break from blogging and it turned into a month.  Funny how easy that was.

Anyways, since January I’ve written a good bit about my struggle with pride, selfishness, and idolatry and the progress that God has helped me to have in those areas.  It’s often been slow and sometimes it’s seems as though I backtrack but, regardless, my eyes have been opened to how dangerous and prevalent those things are in my life.

This past week I had the great privilege of being a part of the Church Planter’s Assessment Center here in SC.  I was first introduced to this a year and a half ago when Michelle and I went through one as candidates and now have been able to be an assessor for three of them since then.  I’m actually in the process of becoming a facilitator for these events, which both excites and frightens me.

I am a big fan of the CPAC, partly because of how it helped us, but mostly because of how I’ve seen it work in the lives of others.  I’ve never been a part of any other process that gave the participants so much self-awareness, which I believe to be an invaluable gift.  I can think of few things that I have enjoyed more or that have given me more fulfillment than being a part of this process…..and that’s what made my pride radar go up on Saturday.

Saturday was when it ended and that morning had been incredibly fulfilling.  The last candidates and assessors left around lunch time and Michelle and Will wouldn’t be back at the house until that evening.  My parents live right next to the site of the assessment center and they had left to go out of town so I decided to hang out at their house for a while.  After all, my people quota had been exceeded quite a bit over the 3 previous days.  I was getting ready to go home to meet Michelle and Will, whom I hadn’t seen in 4 days, and this wave of sadness came over me.  It didn’t take me long to sort out where the feelings came from: I didn’t want the assessment center to end.

It had been quite some time since I had done something ministry related that really gave me fulfillment and now the event was over and I was going back to my day in day out life.  Don’t get me wrong, I was excited to be home with my family, but I wasn’t excited to head back to my life apart from that thing that stroked my ego.  Driving home, I had a little pity party and tried to get over myself before I got home.  It was great to be with Michelle and Will, but going to work today at my 8-5 job was harder than normal.

At some point today, though, God allowed me some perspective.  Progress had actually been made.  While I still struggled with that idol of ministry, I was able to recognize it when I put it back on its pedestal.  That may not seem like much, but I take hold of the words of Paul when he said, “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.”  I love the “ever-increasing” part of that.  It means that God’s way of growing us is a process, a marathon, a long, arduous journey.  Perfect for a plodder like me.

Demonstration vs. Declaration

I was listening to a podcast from a church planters gathering and the speaker was talking about contextualization.  The presentation was outstanding as he talked a lot about what it means to become integrated into your community and culture while still remaining distinctive; a “city within the city”.

 

In his closing prayer, he said something that really struck me.  He said, “I pray that we would be better at demonstrating our doctrine than declaring it.”

 

Something in me stirred up when he said that.  It’s not so much that what he said was a brand new concept; it was something else that I can’t quite put my finger on.

 

I’ve had a growing thought ever since college that theology and doctrine can’t just be a gathering of abstract thoughts and beliefs.  If they don’t make a difference in how we live our lives then what good are they?  The fact of the matter is that all of us have a theology that we live out every single day.  We are demonstrating who God is in every single thing we say, think, do or don’t do.

 

One of my favorite lines from any book is one from Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller.  In it he says, “What we say we believe is not what we believe; what we believe is what we do.”  You cannot separate belief and action, even though us Westerners would like to think that we can. 

 

If I say that I trust in God’s grace for my justification and salvation, but then every time I sin try to “do better the next time” so that God will be more pleased with me, then I don’t truly believe in God’s grace.  I believe that I can be good enough to assuage his wrath towards me, which is the opposite of the message of the Gospel.

 

So back to the original quote.  I have always been better at declaring my belief than demonstrating it.  Part of this is just because I think I’ve been gifted at publicly communicating truth, but part of it is my deficiency in really demonstrating what I would say I believe, that is, the Gospel. 

 

Ultimately I believe this to be, like pretty much everything else, a heart issue.  Now I could fake love, compassion, and selflessness for a while, but if my heart is not truly motivated and kept by the Holy Spirit, then I will become tired of living that out and resent having to do it.  But if my heart is surrendering (notice that I’m implying that it’s an ongoing process) to the truth of the Gospel, then the fruit of the Spirit will be evident and long-lasting.  Thus, my demonstration of who God is could outweigh my declaration of that. 

 

And that is how God has, is, and will most effectively use his Church to reconcile the world to himself.  

Good Seats, Bad Food

I got a call from my good friend, Dustin, at 3:30 yesterday afternoon.  I couldn’t take the call at the time so he left a message that basically said that he had just had some ACC Tournament tickets made availabe to him for the games that night.  He knew it was a long shot for me to make it but he knows I’m a big ACC fan.  I’m not usually one to do things spur of the moment, but for some reason I thought I’d at least make the attempt.  Since I’m a sequential thinker I’ll provide a recap to the events in step by step order.

Step one: talk to Michelle.  Yesterday was one of the two days this week that Michelle is nannying and sometimes the end result of those days is a worn-out and annoyed Michelle.  Fortunately, it wasn’t that bad yesterday.

Step two: actually get to Atlanta so that we don’t miss most of the first game.  I pushed my 1999 Mazda Protege with 168,000 miles to the limit, but I made it to the rendezvous point in decent time.

Step three: get to the Georgia Dome with Dustin and Nathan and park.  A little interesting since Dustin, who I might add has lived in the Atlanta area for six years, didn’t really know how to get there.  I had to point out that there actually was a Georgia Dome exit on the interstate.  Then we had to navigate the downtown Atlanta streets in search of the 70,000 seat monstrosity known as the Georgia Dome.  After some meandering we found it and found good parking for $10.  10 FREAKING DOLLARS!

Step four: get the tickets left for Dustin at Will Call.  This proved to be a little more dramatic then it should have been.  When we got to Will Call all the logos of the 12 schools were on different windows and, since tickets are distributed by the schools, you have to get your tickets from that school’s representative.  When we arrived at the UNC logo (I won’t say exactly who Dustin got the tickets from, but they are immediate family of one legendary UNC basketball coach) the shade had been pulled down.  Oh crap.  We talked to the NC State rep who said he would try to contact the UNC rep.  After a few anxious minutes of wondering whether this impromptu 2 hour trip would actually yield getting to watch the games, the UNC rep showed up and handed us the tickets.

Step five: finding our seats.  Again the Georgia Dome seats 70,000.  It’s a big place.  We knew we had decent seats due to our ticket source, but we didn’t know how good.  Our row was row K.  As we stepped down from the concourse the rows were all numbered.  Interesting.  We kept walking down and got to the end of the numbered rows.  All that were left were seats even closer that are used only for basketball.  At this section, there is an event staff person checking your tickets to make sure you’re supposed to be there.  We showed the young lady our tickets and she pointed to the back row of these seats.  Here’s a picture of where we were sitting.

Needless to say, these were ridiculous seats.  I spoke to my mom and she said she could see me on TV.  Nice.

Step six: enjoy the games.  Not hard to do when you’re in these seats and you’re hanging out with good friends.  We did get a celebrity sighting during the Boston College game.

What?  You can’t recognize the guy in the green shirt sideways taken from 30 feet away with a phone camera?  Fine.  It’s Atlanta Falcons QB, and former Boston College player, Matt Ryan.  Watched him interact with some of the fans and he seems like a really nice guy.  Signed every autograph request and was extremely courteous to everyone.  Dang.  I kind of wanted him to be a jerk.  That way I could pull against him even harder seeing as how I’m a Panthers fan.

Step seven: wake up at 6 AM, put in a full day of work, go through the previous six steps and then drive home without falling asleep at the wheel.  We had met at a gas station, so I filled up with gas and went inside to purchase the necessary items for me to stay awake.  If you read my previous post, I spoke about the Lent commitments I had made as they related to food.  Folks, I decided that my need to stay alive was greater than my need to strictly adhere to my Lent commitments.  I purchased a big grab bag of Honey BBQ Fritos Twists and a can of Starbucks Double Shot with Energy and hit the road at 12:30 AM.  I had traveled about 1/4 of a mile and got pulled over by the Gwinnett County Police.  I had pulled out of the gas station and hadn’t turned on my head lights until after I had been on the street for 0.00004 seconds.  Something tells me they were a little overagressive since I saw three other people get pulled as I waited on him to check my license.  After that, I had a couple of bad spots, but overall it was an uneventful and alert trip.  I got home at around 2:30 with heavy legs and an unhappy stomach.

I woke up at 6 because I had to be at work at 7.  I found myself back in bed at 6:30 due to the Fritos and Double Shot getting into a bit of a fracas with my stomach.  My stomach lost.

Bowing to the God of Food

I usually stay away from making any kind of Lent commitment; probably because I don’t have much self-discipline and don’t do very well in keeping them.  I wasn’t planning on doing it this year either, but I had a bit of an epiphany about 3 weeks ago.

My job is mundane.  Actually, that last sentence was an understatement.  Let me put it this way: I’m your classic male non-multi-tasker and I can do my job, listen intently to a Tim Keller sermon (his sermons are the intellectual equivalent of eating prime rib) and probably eat a snack all at the same time.  It doesn’t pay well either, although I’m thankful just to be employed in this economy.  I’m also somewhat frustrated at the lack of clear direction that Michelle and I have for the future.  Occasionally, it’s all just a bit much.

On one of these particular days where I just couldn’t handle it, I left on my lunch break and went to a nearby grocery store.  I was pretty stinking hungry because I probably hadn’t had anything of substance to eat so I probably committed a handful of moving violations on the 3 mile trek.  When I got there, I had one clear thought: GET FOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDD!

Now at this point, I experienced a strange phenomena.  It was kind of like an out of body experience where I was able to have a clear view of what was going on in my head.  It wasn’t pretty.  If someone else had been able to see what I was seeing they would have every right to think that I was psychotic.  I was angry, frustrated, stressed and all I wanted to do was eat; preferably something that tasted good no matter how bad it was for me.  The result of my shopping trip: a Hungry Man microwaveable meal of chicken tenders and cheese fries, a bag of Krispy Kreme mini-krullers, and a Monster energy drink that’s that’s basically a non-alcoholic version of a White Russian coffee energy drink.

If you’re able to have an objective view of those events, then it easily qualifies as one of those “it might be time to reassess some things about your life” moments.  God graciously allowed me to see it that way. 

So for Lent, I made some commitments related to food and eating.  Not to show God my commitment to Him.  Not to test my will and self-discipline.  I’m doing it because I want to see where food shows up on the totem pole of my life.  How much do I look to it to calm me when I’m stressed or to cheer me up when I’m feeling down?  In other words, how often do I look to food to give me the fulfillment that only God can ultimately give.  How often do I take something good, like food, and make it ultimate, or God-like?

So far it’s gone well.  I’m learning more and more about the place food has had in my life and what place it should have in the future.  Still, those mini-krullers are insanely good.

Ever Felt Like This?

You look around and realize that everything’s changed.

I’d love to hear your captions for this.  Have at it

Unintentional Comedy

I first heard the term “unintentional comedy” from The Sports Guy, a comical writer for ESPN.com.  It’s pretty much a self-explanatory term.  Basically anytime something is funny and it wasn’t supposed to be, that’s “unintentional comedy”.  Some prime examples:

So now that you’ve had a short primer on the subject, I’d like to submit another nominee.  Somehow we’re sitting around here watching (I’m mostly listening since I’m at the computer) the season finale of “The Bachelor”.  Normally we’ll watch some comedy shows on Monday night but for some reason our antenna (that’s right baby, the big monstrosity on top of the house; not some sissy little Direct TV dish) isn’t picking up that channel right now. 

What’s happened is that the “bachelor” just told America that his relationship with the girl he pledged his love to and asked to marry him ain’t going so great.  Shockingly, things are different in their relationship since the filming of the show ended and they had to go back to real life instead of scenic plane rides and resort living in New Zealand.  He then brought his fiancee (I think that term should be used loosely here) and told her such, which she rightly did not receive well and, in so many words, told him he lacked some needed male anatomy.  He is now talking to the “runner up” and asking for a chance with her, saying that he’s always loved her.

As if that weren’t enough, throughout the show, and apparently the whole season, this dude (another term that should be used loosely here) has been bawling his eyes out and apparently is surprised at how he feels.

This, my friends, is unintentional comedy.  I’ve laughed less at entire episodes of SNL.  What makes me certain of it’s comedic potential is that Michelle has been laughing just as hard.

I’d like to know what you think of this on an unintentional comedy scale of 1 to 10.  10 being perhaps one of the examples I’ve given above.  I think I’m going to settle on a 6.2.  What say you?   

UPDATE: The “runner up” and the “bachelor” are now making out on the interview couch.  Folks, I am not making this up.  He just broke off his engagement 30 minutes ago.  Un-freakin-believable!!!!

UPDATE: There’s going to be a part 2 of “After the Final Rose” tomorrow night.  This just keeps getting better.

After all that I’m changing my score to a solid 7.5.